Learning From Lists

My year-end has no bests, no worsts, just a few thoughts on parenting

As the calendar year winds down, we are inundated with lists — the top 10 deals from your favorite retailers, the 20 tech toys you must buy for that special someone, the best/worst/in-between for every form of entertainment.

I’m a sucker for every one of them.

The worst lists — usually the ones you find randomly placed at the bottom of stories on a page — are nothing more than ad-sponsored clickbait. The best lists provide perspective and context. I can’t begin to tell you how many things I’ve bought, listened to, read, and watched because of them.

My obsession with lists started as a kid, and really ramped up when I was 13. That was 1978, the year I bought a used copy of The Book of Lists, a huge bestseller that spawned three sequels in the days before the Internet took over. The book had hundreds of lists on topics ranging from “Worst Places to Hitchhike” to “15 People Who Became Words” as well as detailed explanations about its different subjects.

It lodged squarely in my trivia-centered cerebral cortex and stayed there, quickly becoming a dog-eared reference guide that I still fondly remember.

Organization and Chaos

Funny as this may seem, I hate to-do lists, except when my brain is so scrambled that I no longer have the organizational capacity to do anything without one. Sadly, that capacity has started to shrink as I get older, so I find myself writing down things on scraps of paper and putting reminders into my online calendar.

Jill, on the other hand, has a rolling to-do list that keeps us on top of things in a way I never could. It has proven especially helpful during the holiday season, in large part because all four of our now-adult kids were born in December.

Saturday, in fact, is the official start of “birthday month” in our family as Nick turns 31. Ben and Emma will be 26 on Monday, the same age as Kate for 16 days until she hits 27 on Dec. 27. (Our son-in-law Matt, Kate’s husband, also has a December birthday.)

When the foursome were kids, the period from Thanksgiving to New Year’s always felt like we were being shot out of a cannon. Nick lived most of the time in North Carolina and we were in Northern Virginia, which meant we rarely had time with him on his actual birthday. Twice, when twins Ben and Emma were living and/or touring in different states, I managed to start the day with one and end it with the other hundreds of miles away. By Kate’s birthday, just two days after Christmas, we made our best attempts while stuck squarely in the middle of the post-holiday hangover.

If you’ve managed to keep score so far, you can tell why New Year’s Eve could not come soon enough for us, for no other reason than we would finally have a moment to breathe and think again.

Finding Perspective

Perspective is a funny thing. In many ways, it’s only gained by experience and the passage of time. Fragments of memory that seemed insignificant in the moment take on greater resonance with perspective. Things that once seemed huge shrink and drift away when new memories or experiences are added.

For the majority of my adult life, I’ve tried to look forward more than I looked back, but since reaching 50, I’ve found myself glancing over my shoulder a lot more and trying to put things into perspective.

As parents this is something we tried to teach our children, that perspective and context matter. It’s hard for kids — and in some cases, adults — to understand that a break-up, or a show closing, or the close of a high school sports season is not the end of the world. When you’re a child, it’s tough to comprehend that something you cared about so passionately is no longer anything but a memory.

That last sentence sometimes applies to parents, too. When you see your child immersed and psyched about something, no matter what it is, the end and subsequent transition always is a bit of a shock to the system. You’ve juggled and scrambled and rescheduled to successfully achieve the impossible, and then it’s done and over in a flash. Inevitably, we felt this every January following the Thanksgiving to New Year’s rush. To varying degrees, we experienced it again when Jill and I became empty nesters.

Now that our kids are adults, the December frenzy has largely died down, which leaves me time to reflect even more about the year behind and the year ahead. “Thanksmas,” which we celebrated last month, has a lot to do with that.

Thanksmas

Besides the relative calm that we now get to experience, the best part about the empty nest phase of life is watching and advising our kids as they deal with the juggle of adulting. It’s a joy seeing them gain new perspectives as they navigate their relationships, jobs, and, in the case of Kate/Matt (and Nick/Conner soon), kids of their own.

What I’ve Learned: A List

Several years ago, I wrote a list of the lessons I’ve learned as a parent. I thought it would be good advice to pass down when our kids had children of their own, something that became a reality with the birth of Marley, our first grandchild, in February.

The Night Shift

Periodically, I think of what I wrote then and dust if off for another look. So, amid the talk of year-end lists, I thought I’d publish this one (with a few revisions) again.

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Parenting Things You Know, But Don’t Necessarily Practice

• Parenting is not a math problem. Right or wrong answers do not exist most of the time.

• Each child is unique. Treat them as such.

• Experiences are more valuable than stuff.

• Embrace uncertainty. It's where creativity begins.

• Honesty is paramount. How you deploy it is a choice.

• Advocate rather than enable. Support your child's dreams, but don’t be a nightmare in the process.

• A young person is never too old for a hug.

• Simple kindness is greatly underrated.

• Managing a family is like managing a staff, except that no one is a professional.

• Take responsibility for your actions and mistakes. A sincere apology can go a long way in mending wounds both small and large.

• Never forget what brought you to this point, or those who brought you.

• Don’t be afraid to call out someone when necessary.

• Be thankful, even when the day/week/month/year/decade sucks.

• Whether you realize it or not, your influence — good and bad — will be felt for generations to come.

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Do you like my list? Is there anything I missed? Any thoughts, comments, and additions you have are welcome.